Some Sad News But With a Good Lesson

Hello everyone.
Today's post is going to be a little lengthy, but that's to be expected from me. And I'm sorry it has to be kind of sad again but, I really haven't had anything interesting to talk about yet! Hopefully soon, I have many trips planned.
But, back to the matter at hand.

I didn't want to make a post about this, but I would like to get it off my chest. And also so people just know.
I'm not looking so much for sympathy, but I thought it best to speak just so my off mood can be better understood and so I can have a little talk with you guys about life.

Yesterday, I found out that my biological father passed away. He passed in November of a heart attack.

Now, I never knew him, never met him. I spoke to him on the phone I think a total of 3 times ever in my life and the last time I was 12. I spent most of my life thinking I didn't really want to meet him, and thought so even more after I finally got a dad who would take care of me and love me for the rest of my life! But after I graduated high school (2 years ago) I decided maybe it wouldn't be so bad. I began to consider it. It wasn't a final decision, but I decided to let it be an option again. I thought it would be cool to see where I get all my mannerisms and thought processes from since my mom says I'm just like him in those ways.

So, he recently moved about 4 and a half hours away from me and I began to consider it even more. I decided I would contact him after I turned 21 and that I would set up a time to sit and have a chat with him.

For those who have read my letter to him on here, you know that I was planning on this. I didn't want to meet him so he couldn't suddenly take the role of my dad, but more so I could know him in general and maybe have a sort of friendship with him.

Thus, I did cry when I heard the news. Mostly from shock, but also from sadness. I have no idea if he knew God or if he'd ever accepted Christ into his heart. I could've been the one to talk to him, and I planned on sharing that part of my life and it really pains me to know that my hesitation could have cost him an afterlife in heaven. If this is true, I will probably never get to meet him and I'm just really unsure of how to take the news. I wasn't close to him in even the simplest or slightest sense of the word. But he is the man who helped give me life and I wish I hadn't hesitated when he moved closer to me. It was a very possible trip I didn't make.

My mother says she doesn't want me to feel guilty. And I don't think it's guilt that I feel, but just a little hint of regret.

So here's what I want to say. If you have a chance, please take it. Whether that's for something to boost you in you career or schooling, or if it's a person you need to talk to. Don't be afraid. Give yourself those few minutes or an hour of courage. In the end it'll pay off. Because I now have to think about the fact that my fear of my dad getting angry or hurt if I went to meet my biological father and my own fear of what it would be like, has cost me the only opportunity I had. Life is too short guys, my father was only 47 when he passed. Anything can happen to anyone.

Don't let the past stop you, and don't let your fear of the future stop you either. None of us know when it's our time to part from this earth. We need to make the best of it.

I'll be alright, so don't worry about me. But I wanted to take this moment to have a deep talk with you all.

Love you guys and hope you have a wonderful week. Hug someone you haven't hugged in a while. Tell them you love them and that you care.

*virtual hugs all around; feel the love*

With Love,
Florence 🌻

Someday

Ok, so, this is going to be another kinda serious post, but hopefully it's the last one for a while!

Here goes...

Dear Father,

I've grown and learned so much. I bet I'm nothing like you thought I would be. Then again, considering how much I'm supposedly like you, maybe I'm exactly how you pictured me turning out.

I still have my birthmark. I was supposed to get it taken off because a lot of people thought I should, but I happen to like it quite a bit. I didn't used to, and for a while I thought it was cancerous, but it isn't so I get to keep it.

I have my own sense of style. I write poetry more than songs, but I do both. I'm kind of a hippie though, just like my mom back when you guys were closer, so I picked that up from her. (Save the trees! Hahah) I'm a pretty great artist, and have loads of potential, but my passion is in writing more than drawing. Oh, and in music! I've been playing the violin for about... oh my god. 10 years now! I'm not great because I don't practice too much, but I'm definitely not terrible! I was always second chair to one of my good friends. I was also in marching band and played in the Drumline. My first year, I surpassed some who had been there for 3 and then was a section leader alongside my good friend my second year (Senior Year). I want to learn to play the drums because of it; like, in a drumset.
I would also love to be in a band since I love to sing as well. Oh well, that's a far reach, but I can dream!

I have a lovely boyfriend of 2 years, but my first boyfriend ripped my heart to pieces and to this day, nearly all the poetry I write is laced with bits of him. It really sucked, but I'm happy now with Patrick.

I don't live with my mom and dad anymore, I live with a roommate in a little house and we get along alright. I'm just messy and forgetful and she's the opposite, but we do ok as roomies. :)

I heard you moved to Tucson. That's a bit scary, but also cool because, hopefully, I can finally meet you sometime soon. I'm thinking I'm going to wait until I'm 21 later on this year before I start planning that out. (Yea, I'm gonna be 21. Even I can't comprehend it!)

To be honest, when I was younger, I was sad and a bit pissed that I didn't know you. I felt left out because, even though my brother and sister's father was a piece of garbage to my mom and to all of us, my brother and sister had a dad. I was always the outcast and the one who had to be the adult. But, when my mom met my dad, Rickey, she was so happy! When I changed my last name, I was happy too because I finally had someone who could help raise me and be the person I needed them to be. Hell, same went for all of us.

I don't blame you for anything. In fact, now that I'm older, I actually commend you. Instead of being truly selfish and trying to stick around and keep me because you "have rights" to me, you decided to give me up because you knew that's what was best. I don't know if that's true, but it's what mom told me so I think it's safe to assume she's telling the truth.

So, thank you. I would love to get together with you and just see what you're like and how we're alike. Mom says I talk with my hands and facial expressions the same way you do. I find that kind of funny since I don't know you, but hey, genetics are strange!

Anyway. I hope you're doing well. Maybe I'll see you soon and maybe we can start some sort of friendship between one another. I'm not angry and I don't feel like you need to be completely out of my life. Maybe it'll be great and we can meet up once in a while and just talk. Maybe it'll all go downhill and we decide not to speak anymore. Who knows?! Only way to find out is to get together and have a nice chat over some coffee or tea in some sort of cafe where there's a live band or poetry slam of sorts! (There's really no other way to do it! Jk)

Regardless, I wish you all the best and look forward to meeting you someday soon.

With Love,
Florence 🌻